There are infinite uses for bacon. You can stick it in your sandwich. Wrap a bird in it. Microwave it, fry it on the stove, the campfire, the grill. Make jelly out of it. Use it to make a burnt offering to a primeval demon. Decorate the cat. Choke on it and die and become a pork ghost/frankenbacon. Eat it. Cure yourself of a sexual obsession with your sister. Use it as a temporary adhesive. Use it as a temporary bandage, get a deadly infection, have your arm amputated in an abandoned war hospital by a giggling doctor using rusted equipment. Make bacon-wrapped hors d’ouevres. Lose your soul.

Baconology: Sizzling Strips of Horror, the new (circa July) anthology from the Library of Horror Press, lists even more novel uses for the miracle meat. Tame an attacking velociraptor. Become a bad-ass commander of ninjas (yes, that’s the title of one of the stories). It includes my short story, “Home Cured,” which is essentially a bacon-infused ghost story-cum-slasher-cum-psychological thriller. And it is available now from, for the low price of $10.04. That’s less than the price of 6 12-oz cans of Bacon Spam. And unlike Bacon Spam, you can enjoy it again and again and again…until you die.

Of cardiac arrest.

Order it here. Immediately. Bacon.

Good night.

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