The Year That Santa Twerked It

Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance was the center of discussion at my family’s Thanksgiving this year, and my Aunt requested that I provide a Christmas story (I wrote one last year that was a big hit)…this was the result. ‘Twas the night before Xmas, sure as reindeer have hooves, and Santa was learning some crazy dance […]

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Fatal Purr (Part 7: Conclusion)

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6 The film loops through several times as TOYS, including PANDORA, file in and watch, each adding her voice to the song with quiet ooh’s. Finally, ENGINEER #1 bursts in from offstage and the music/film stops abruptly. ENGINEER #1 has now acquired a number […]

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Fatal Purr (Part 6)

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5 The door explodes off its hinges and clatters to the floor moments before the TOY, still deranged from her run-in with the toilet bowl, lands atop it. Before they can react, she grabs CLANK and SCUFFLE by their legs and carries them, inverted and screaming, […]

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Fatal Purr (Part 5)

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4 The stage begins to sink again under waves of heroic flourishes from the orchestra. As the surface reaches its halfway-point, CLANK and SCUFFLE become visible, examining the trapdoor from above. The ENGINEERS and SERAGLIO linger below, with only their heads and shoulders in sight. CLANK: Yep. SCUFFLE: […]

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Fatal Purr (Part 4)

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3 ACT II An ear-splitting wail starts up behind the curtain. It pulls back, again with no orchestral assistance, to show the stage exactly as it was before the curtain closed, with one exception. An anonymous ENGINEER crouches center-stage, cranking an air-raid siren. More ENGINEERS shuffle in and drag him […]

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Fatal Purr (Part 3)

Part 1  Part 2 The row of stalls gives a jerk, throwing the ENGINEERS against the walls and slamming the doors shut. Against yet another orchestral flourish, the bathroom set proceeds to retract back into the wings, revealing SERAGLIO still hunched shaking in his office, buried in crimson-blotched tissues. As the desktop statuette’s eyes light […]

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Fatal Purr (Part 2)

Part 1 The ENGINEERS back into the new wall and spin around in horror as another begins to lower behind the stack of toys. As it hits the ground with a thud, a third and fourth wall descend, trapping the scene from sight. The ENGINEERS begin to scream above the sirenesque chant of the TOYS […]

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Fatal Purr (Part 1)

I wrote this during my honeymoon. I regret nothing. FATAL PURR -B. Alexander Campbell ACT I A red velvet curtain covers the stage. It slowly opens to a grand orchestral flourish, revealing a huge neon sign that reads “Minimally Invasive Toys.” The neon intensifies until it is near-blinding, then goes black with a pop and […]

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